8:08 a.m. - 2006-12-19
Life is good again...And always was
Thoughts to write on or the day (before I lose them)
-Motherhood - the joy and the arriving to work with spit up on your cloths
-Addiction
-Knitting Book Obsesson (see 'Addiction')
What an interesting thing life is. How interesting we all are. I mean seriously, when you think about the things that make us tick and how unique we all are in that way its amazing. Someone [looks up toward the Big Guy] had quite an amazing imagination. I went back and read my previous entry and, while I can totally remember what I felt like in that place, it was interesting to read it while I am in a place of total calm. Certainly there were some valid issues I had with how DH and I are sharing the responsability for Gabriel, but they are not as earth=shattering and life-threatening as they felt in that moment.
Once my calmer (non-manic) state was reached (AKA the PMS ended) I realized that much of the problem begins with me. I want/need to be a perfect Mom, and that entails meeting my child's every need. Taking care of everything as well as any other mother can and would, and never feeling like I need my own space and time. Then there is the side of me that is still human. That still needs time to myself. The two have not found a balance yet. I want my space and freedom, yet I refuse to give up any responsability. Dan offers to take care of Gabriel, and while I "let" him, I still jump in at every whimper and grab him back. As a result Dan feels insecure about taking care of Gabriel and is more comfortable letting me take care of him.
Aye!
Actually Dan has been amazingly sweet to me lately! The other morning after my shower I found a love note written in the steam on the mirror (seriously!!). When we went to his company's formal Christmas party he told me repeatedly how great I looked. The next day he even told me that his favorite point of the night was when he saw some hot girl out of the corner of his eye and decided he had to take a better look - when suddenly he realized it was his own wife!! That made me feel awesome! THe next day talking to his mom she said he was even going on and on to her about how good I looked! ME! WIth my baby belly and flabby arms and obnoxious adult acne! ME! And its one thing that he complimented me to my face - One can always lie to make someone feel good - but the fact that he told his Mom means he meant it! I don't think he knows how much that means to me. I should tell him. I believe that as a direct result of this, when I was looking through pictures for the first time yesterday I was not repulsed by all of the pictures of me. These are the same pictures I've been repulsed by many a time, but suddenly I saw them differently. Not with pride or anything, but I didnt' feel I had to look away or avoid them. I even saw a few where I did feel like I looked good! My confidence has been so low my entire life that that has literally never happened to me before. I should tell him that.
Moving on...getting a little more personal...I have been deprived, you know, physically, for quite some time now between pregnancy, exhaustion, and Dan's self conciousness...but the other night there was a sudden spark, and we went running to the bed. It was the first unplanned, unscripted, crazy-passionate love-making we've had since, probably february of last year! It was freaking amazing. Like, unbelievable. All I could think was "We're Back!!"
I've decided to skip the addiction topic except as it relates to Knitting books. Don't laugh. Yes, I just transitioned from the topic of passionate love-making to knitting - deal with it!
I have a problem. An addiction. I can't stop buying knitting books. I spend more time buying knitting books than actually knitting. I get them home and stare at them. Turn the pages and look at all the pretty pictures and colors and can't wait to start knitting...but when I do, I get nothing done. I absolutely cannot finish a project! I get bored and buy another book! If Dan knew how much I've spent on knitting books he would kill me! Luckily I've been able to put the breaks on buying yarn and I'm currently only trying to work on projects that use yarn I already have, but still. What is wrong with me!?! If I were to be honest and treat this as a much more serious issue than it is, I could say that this represents a deeper issue that transcends knitting and actually appears as a theme throughout my life. I am not a finisher. Wheather it's a fear of commitment or attention deficit disorder...or both, I am not a finisher. It's why I left Dan last year. Its why I often feel listless and frustrated. I need to grow some balls and get over it, basically.
