9:02 p.m. - 2012-09-03
Something in the last few weeks broke in me and I don't think I can unbreak it. I don't know if there is anything going back, and I don't even know what caused it. I was a regular woman, moodswings, ups, downs, a decent life. Marriage trouble, sure, but who doesn't have that once in awhile? Nothing cataclysmic happened, yet when I look back at who I was one month ago, it seems like I was someone completely different than I am now. I was strong enough. Unafraid. I could take a hit and get back up again. I was leading my kids by the hand and we were going to do the best we could with whatever we had, which was actually quite a lot.
But today, I can't access that person anymore. The questions are suddenly too big. The pieces of the puzzle won't fit together, and sometimes I can't even figure out if I'm working on the right puzzle. I'm clouded with obsessions, flustered with life that keeps me from fueling my obsessions. The important things seem unbearable, and the things that seem most important are completely unimportant and worthless.
Yesterday I broke the lawnmower and weedwhaker in one afternoon. I wasn't being reckless, I was just doing my stupid best, and I f'd them both up. My husband's reaction was typical of him - better than most men. He was a little frustrated and good lord who wouldn't be, but he didn't berate me, cut me down, yell at me. But despite the calm way he handled it, suddenly I was a basketcase throwing up in the bathroom because I was crying so hard. All I could think was that - I can't go back to that place again. That place where I am a burden to everyone around me. That place where I am a dissappointment. Nothing I do is right, and as far as my father was concerned, he couldn't understand how someone could make such stupid mistakes - and make them all the time for that matter. And the fear of being so stupid freezes more brain cells, and before I know it I really am half retarded. All I could think yesterday was that I can't live as that person again. I began to think if hanging would be better than cutting, but I didn't have much time to think before my precious baby girl came knocking. She's 2 1/2 and I couldn't not let her in. I did and she held me and hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright. My 2 year old. She was calm and collected and telling me that it was ok and Dad would replace the mower. Come on. Seriously. You know that God sent her.
She is strong and courageous and beautiful, but also, she needs me. I think the boys would be ok. They'd get over it if I made my death as uneventful for them as I could. But Sara needs her mama. And so now I know why God blessed us with that one last surprise baby girl. I certainly don't love her more than the others, but she fills a different kind of hole than they do, and she is still so very young.
Today I started sorting out all the questions that remain. The problems that will have to be addressed now that I understand that I can't leave this world right now. I have to get back on meds. Different meds. I have an appt Thursday and I just have to hold out for then. I have to believe that once I'm back on meds for ADD and anxiety/depression everything else will fall into place.
Drinking - I was only a moderately heavy drinker, but I had creeped back up to 4 nights a week. But then it creeped up to every night, and not just a glass like it was. I'm pretty sure I've been drunk at least the last five nights. That may not be anything spectactular, but when I think about quitting- having to quit- the thought terrifies me. I can see cutting down, but the thought of not being able to drink anymore is scary enough that it scares me that Im so scared... does that make any sense?? I can't picture who I would be without that crutch.
Obsession - sewing Monster High and Barbie clothes. Really?? Yes. Frustration over having to take care of my kids rather than continue working on my "clothing line." Seriously. Not good. Its all I can' think about.
I'm too tired to type anymore tonight. Maybe I'll finish, maybe Ill be back in another 5 years. I don't promise anything anymore.