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4:45 p.m. - 2013-11-22
No one means to judge. But we all have ideas in our head of what it looks like to hit an all time low. How a family gets to a place where a father is arrested during a drug deal at their home with their small children peeking out of their rooms where they were pretending to nap. We imagine shaking our head, wondering how a mama would let things go there? How would a mama let things slip so far. Surely I never would. Surely that's a different kind of person. She and I, we could never be the same. That's the reason she is there. That's the reason I am not.

Today I considered calling the police on my husband as he opened the door for his drug dealer. He was delivering a Starbucks. That was the pretense anyway. And suddenly I realized that I was that woman. I was maybe still the same person I thought I was, inside and out, yet here I was. In that unfathomable situation. My husband, after telling me we weren't going to have any money left for groceries, was spending our last bit of money on drugs. again. Last month my children's preschool was kind enough to shower us with food. Our families have lent us money. Food money. And here he is spending money on Pot.

Now don't even think about arguing with me about the potency of pot or all the reasons Pot may be preferred to other drugs. When it comes before your food money it is nothing more than a drug. And you are nothing more than an addict and a selfish man and a shitty dad. No matter what else you do for your children.

I sat in my car today and let out screams and cries that would have startled anyone. I didn't know I had them in me, but I was mad, desperate, sad, alone. And scared.

Because even though he will never physically hurt me, I cannot get out of this relationship. I don't know how I could support the kids and I. I just don't. And no matter how long I have denied it to my best friend, argued with myaelf about it, today I had to admit that I am in an abusive relationship. One that doesn't leave physical marks, but one that threatens to suck away my entire life, all my self worth, dignity, and individuality. If I don't get out. Now.



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